Thursday, 11 July 2013

Journal of a crossdreamer

The predicament of so many crossdreamers and autogynephiliacs around us - the crisis regarding one's identity, the conflict with one's sexuality and the contradictions regarding sexual fantasies. These are things many of us live with, for as long as we can remember, and as we age, the problems only amplify making it worse. It always feels great to find a compatriot who can lucidly express his feelings which closely resembles ours. Coming out is hard to do, but not knowing coming out of what and into what is even harder. Here I present to you an excerpt from a beautifully written piece by a fellow crossdreamer. The link to the original post can be found below. Read on... I am sure that you'll think that you're reading a page from your own diary.

I'm biologically 
    male and am all in all 
    confident and comfortable with my 
    gender, except when it comes 
   to sex
I can only turn myself on by imagining  
myself as a woman. . . since I was 12 I've had  c 
sexual fantasies of inhabiting a female body  c
Since I was 12 I've had sexual fantasies of inhabiting a female body. This desire ebbs and flows, it is not consistent, I do not find myself desiring to be a female for the most part of my waking  consciousness, and neither do I feel out of place in my male body. I cannot, however, become sexually aroused unless I imagine myself as a female - even during the brief sexual encounters I've had in my life, for most of them I could only turn myself on by imagining myself as a woman, and having lesbian sex with my partner. I of course, did not tell her this - and for contiguous reasons, the relationship did not last very long; I was scared of intimacy.

The fantasies follow a simple formula. I'm a beautiful woman - perfect - an ideal object of desire. It's a narcissistic vision: The purpose of becoming a woman is not so that I can be penetrated, if I imagine that it is simply to enhance my femininity, and thus my status as an object of desire. Simply the image of a woman masturbating on a bed, or caressing her own body, or even the fantasy of men magically transforming into women, and enduring the physical change from male to female, is enough to turn me on (websites such as or movies like 'Dr Jeckyll and Ms Hyde' are examples of this fantasy - check them out). I ejaculate to these fantasies. Ordinary heterosexual porn isn't enough for me to form a desire to ejaculate to - and furthermore the sensation of masturbation, of the rubbing and caressing of the penis, in my mind is not attached to the reality of penetration, of my penis inhabiting a receptacle - instead, during masturbation the sensation is associated in my mind as the sensation of what a woman feels during the sexual act. 


(I would like to add here as an addendum that I am definitely not homosexual. Sex with a man is something I have often thought about openly, but I have no desire to engage in. It is not accompanied with aversion, and perhaps i might experiment with it - but this isn't my problem; if I was homosexual, I would readily accept it and find myself a place in life quite easily.)

"Sex with a man is something I have
 often thought about openly, but I have 
no desire to engage in

At times I have cross-dressed, and enjoyed feeling like a woman, as an object of desire and beauty. However, this desire fades with ejaculation, and I am left with a feeling of nausea afterwards. However, the desire is so strong that times afterwards I come back to the same fantasy and cross-dressing. Once I have ejaculated the fantasy quickly fades. I feel 'normalised' and the tension within my mind ceases. I have no desire to be a woman at all; I am comfortable being male.

I enjoy feeling like a woman, as an object of desire, 
    but this fantasy fades with ejaculation. . . 
    I feel "normalised". . .

Another complicating factor. I'm not the most masculine man in build and psychology: I'm much more sensitive than the average person. Sometimes I feel more sensitive than most girls I have met. I can imagine myself nuzzling my face into the neck of my ideal partner, a female, of absolute delicacy and sensitivity, more sensitive than I. When I'm lying in bed before sleep, the time when these fantasies crowd my mind, I am most comfortable tucking the sheets between my legs and digging my face in the pillow delicately, caressing it, and feeling safe and tucked in and loved. I'm half Asian, and therefore physically not robust. Dressed in women's clothes and make-up, I can easily pass as a female - and pretty one at that.  This leads me to think perhaps I need a sex change, and if I should, as early as possible, to ease the pain of transition, and preserve my beauty. However, what stops me is the internal contradiction as follows: Maybe I'm female, but conditioned as being male? Or maybe I'm male, with an odd fetish for female sexuality during sex that has become an obsession? This is the contradiction.

"In the reality of daily life, I find myself naturally 
taking the dominant role the confident talker
 and trader of puns and anecdotes

In social situations and the reality of daily life, I find myself naturally taking the dominant role - the confident talker and trader of puns and anecdotes - I like good attention, and normally I get it, most people I know see me as a confident male, and probably assume the same in sex - I have had plenty of female attention, but most have been left at the sidelines because I truly lack the confidence to engage in the pursuit; I feel like I want to be the one that is pursued, in my sexual fantasies, I'm totally passive, totally female - I'm at will to my partner, or indulging in my own sensitivity and 'femaleness' during masturbation. It's this contradiction between male and female within myself that really phases me - I feel that if could just banish this sexual tendency of mine I can finally be happy and totally comfortable with myself. In that case, this sexual tendency can be considered a 'perversion' that can nevertheless be healed and put right - from then on, I can derive more sexual satisfaction from penetration and heterosexual sex. A small part of myself that is in contradiction can be smoothed out. However, I have shortcomings - when I feel the desire to be a woman, feel that it is really genuine - so considering this feeling a perversion means compromising myself as a person, and maybe even deluding myself into thinking that I can be 'cured'  when all it is is a natural part of my personality, and will be for the rest of my life. The female, I experience in these times of 'autosexual' desire is simply devoid of any personality. She is a purely physical and carnal manifestation. But this train of thought has led me into a reflection upon my anima, which is detailed below.

"My anima is more sexually confident and 
    expressive than I am - more relaxed and 
    cool with her  blatant and aggressive
    sexuality, playing on her 
    powers of desire                                                                                                             
my male ideal is highly intelligent, erudite  
and confident, a stylish and suave talker   c 
who desires sex only if it serves the   c
 purpose of love and relationship   c
My anima is more sexually confident and expressive than I am - more relaxed and cool with her sexuality, which is open and sometimes borders on the blatant. Physically she is a brunette with waving hair, with ample breasts, and a petite, frame and skinny figure, bronze skin and deep lucid eyes - an absolute beauty. She is sometimes bisexual, but mostly heterosexual, engaging in sex with men. She is aware of the powers of her desire, and plays on this, sometimes teasing, yet rarely using it to malicious advantage. She is extremely desirable and a huge experimenter. She is kind of quirky, much less the type than the typical female, she is highly intelligent and artistic - she is of extreme sensitivity and could be considered 'spiritual' - she's well read, and imaginative, her ambitions are not to find stability and a place in conforming society, but to explore - physically the world, but also emotional and mental, journeys of the mind. She sees life as one huge adventure that unravels as she lives it with each twist and turn, she sees the only sin as that of rooting down and deciding to moulder away whilst still alive. She's confident and capable, but also, paradoxically,  sensitive and dependent because of her innate kindness and gentleness. In short, she really is something exceptional. She can't be tied down. 

"I feel like I want to be the one that is pursued, 
    in my sexual fantasies, I'm totally passive, 
    totally female - I'm at will to my partner

In contrast to this, my male ideal is as follows. Highly intelligent, erudite and a confident, stylish, suave talker - experienced in as much as having experienced much more than the average person, and carrying an air of mystery and mysticism. Many different people have highly different impressions of myself. I carry a childlike innocence in my smile that belies an deep inner strength. I am also a deep melancholic pensive man when in times not engaged in conversation - I'm Byronic in this sense. I'm psychological and also Rimbaud'esque in my visionary approach to life and burning desire for exploration and adventure. There is also another contradiction. I have sage-like qualities, I admire iron discipline and machine like precision, I take life extremely seriously, I have ambitions and a desire for greatness and recognition; yet I also admire artists and bohemians, as well as old-fashioned style intellectuals and statesmen; I'm able on the guitar, yet also want to learn law - I'm a jack of all trades: I have a talent for computing, which can be developed as a conventional skill to be applied in business and commerce, yet also find myself indulging in artistic fancies of imagination. I'm a man that acts out my own fantasies. I'm simultaneously social whilst also being a recluse. The qualities I admire are: Genius, courage, passion, philosophical and moral principles, sexual and erotic appeal, amongst others, in a person. I imagine myself as bisexual, yet mostly heterosexual, with a burning passion for love, not simply sex - only sex if it serves the purpose of love: Total immersion of two souls in period of time. I'm serious, and mature - I'm not a physical person, but I have the strength of my own mind and my own principles. I live life to my own creed. I am both compassionate, yet also ruthless, mainly in the way I treat myself.

But the main question of mine hinges upon my forays into sexuality. Any kind or constructive responses will be gladly appreciated.

To read more on his musings, be sure to check out -

I really wish he wrote more articles on his feelings, it so closely emulates the feelings, sensations and thoughts of so many among us. So many who are confused, unsure and in pain of not knowing himself/herself properly.

Pictures used are from - 

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