Journal of a crossdreamer

The predicament of so many crossdreamers and autogynephiliacs around us - the crisis regarding one's identity, the conflict with one's sexuality and the contradictions regarding sexual fantasies. These are things many of us live with, for as long as we can remember, and as we age, the problems only amplify making it worse. It always feels great to find a compatriot who can lucidly express his feelings which closely resembles ours. Coming out is hard to do, but not knowing coming out of what and into what is even harder. Here I present to you an excerpt from a beautifully written piece by a fellow crossdreamer. The link to the original post can be found below. Read on... I am sure that you'll think that you're reading a page from your own diary.

" I'm biologically 
    male and am all in all 

    confident and comfortable with my 

    gender, except when it comes 

   to sex

I can only turn myself on by imagining  c 

myself as a woman. . . since I was 12 I've had  c 

sexual fantasies of inhabiting a female body  c

                                                                                                                                                               "

Since I was 12 I've had sexual fantasies of inhabiting a female body. This desire ebbs and flows, it is not consistent, I do not find myself desiring to be a female for the most part of my waking  consciousness, and neither do I feel out of place in my male body. I cannot, however, become sexually aroused unless I imagine myself as a female - even during the brief sexual encounters I've had in my life, for most of them I could only turn myself on by imagining myself as a woman, and having lesbian sex with my partner. I of course, did not tell her this - and for contiguous reasons, the relationship did not last very long; I was scared of intimacy.

The fantasies follow a simple formula. I'm a beautiful woman - perfect - an ideal object of desire. It's a narcissistic vision: The purpose of becoming a woman is not so that I can be penetrated, if I imagine that it is simply to enhance my femininity, and thus my status as an object of desire. Simply the image of a woman masturbating on a bed, or caressing her own body, or even the fantasy of men magically transforming into women, and enduring the physical change from male to female, is enough to turn me on (websites such as www.tgcomics.com or movies like 'Dr Jeckyll and Ms Hyde' are examples of this fantasy - check them out). I ejaculate to these fantasies. Ordinary heterosexual porn isn't enough for me to form a desire to ejaculate to - and furthermore the sensation of masturbation, of the rubbing and caressing of the penis, in my mind is not attached to the reality of penetration, of my penis inhabiting a receptacle - instead, during masturbation the sensation is associated in my mind as the sensation of what a woman feels during the sexual act. 

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